How I Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Reclaiming my needs without apology

Growing up and throughout my early twenties, I barely had boundaries. When you’re not being fully authentic, want to fit in, and can’t stand FOMO? It’s a recipe for doing things you don’t want to do and living your life for other people.

I used to love doing whatever my friends wanted. I was the “therapist friend,” which meant always being available for other people and their needs.

This leads to completely abandoning your own.

Next thing you know, you’re not taking care of yourself, your needs, or anything that supports your personal growth. I LIVED for others, chile. And totally abandoned myself.

A lot of this also came from anxious attachment and codependency…but that’s a whole other Substack post.

Now, all of this might seem fine for a while… until one day, you explode. Not having boundaries builds up SO much resentment. You start blaming others for things they never even knew you were struggling with, and it can honestly destroy relationships. All because you didn’t prioritize yourself.

I know the word “boundaries” can feel overused. It’s become one of those therapy buzzwords that makes you roll your eyes. But I’ve learned over time: boundaries are liberation. Truly.

I kept finding myself in the same frustrating patterns and relationship dynamics, and I finally had to face it. Something had to change. I needed to put myself first, not in a selfish way, but in a self-honoring way. I didn’t want to be angry at the people I loved. I didn’t want to keep self-abandoning. I didn’t want to be the one with an attitude at the function, sucking the energy out of the room (Scorpio sun, hi) when truthfully, I should’ve never accepted the invite in the first place.

It’s easier said than done.

Especially for women, we’ve been programmed to be “chill” (not a chill bone exists in my body I fear), easygoing, and flexible. To be the “good girl”. So when we set a boundary, it feels like we’re betraying that image. It fills us with guilt. We don’t want to come off as difficult. Or worse… a bitch.

But at what cost?

This came up deeply for me during some shadow work, when I uncovered one of my biggest fears: being perceived as “high-maintenance.”

(For anyone new to shadow work: a shadow is a trait, quality, or part of yourself that you’ve repressed, rejected, or labeled as “bad” because it didn’t feel safe or acceptable to express.)

I was ashamed of my specific needs. Ashamed that they felt like a burden or might ruin the vibe just because they didn’t fit into what everyone else was doing. I hated the idea of being seen as annoying or making people go out of their way for me.

But isn’t that what women are conditioned to do? Self-sacrifice. Put everyone else’s comfort before our own.

And all it does is make us miserable.

Here’s what I’ve come to accept:

• I have severe food allergies and don’t want to go to certain restaurants. That’s okay.

• I don’t like animals and don’t want to be around your dog (don’t come for me). That’s okay.

• I have eczema and my skin reacts to certain environments or irritants. That’s okay.

• Sometimes I’m just tired.

• Sometimes I don’t want to go.

• Sometimes I don’t want to share personal information.

• Sometimes I don’t have the capacity to listen or give advice.

It’s ALL okay.

I realized I wasn’t high-maintenance - I was just being honest about my needs.
And if that made people uncomfortable, it’s probably because they benefitted from me having none.

That said, there’s a difference between rigid and healthy boundaries. We don’t want to isolate ourselves or refuse all compromise. Community often requires inconvenience. But if you find yourself constantly bending, then your boundaries need to be re-evaluated.

Try a mental reframe.

Taking care of yourself first (like the airplane oxygen mask analogy) isn’t selfish. It’s how you show up with a full heart.

You can be a better friend, partner, or daughter when your cup is full. You won’t carry hidden resentment. You’ll be honest. Your needs will be respected.

And that guilt you were so afraid of?
It barely even shows up.

The more you respect yourself, the more others will too.

Your needs are valid.
Your boundaries are sacred.
You don’t owe ease to anyone at the expense of yourself.