Why Change Terrifies Me (and Why I Do It Anyway)
What My 2021 Self Taught Me About Surrender and Growth
Now that the TikTok ban has come and gone (WTF was that?), the hilarious “goodbye” videos really had me reflecting on the last five years and how much has changed in my life starting with the hellish year of 2021. That year was a whirlwind: I moved into my own home, navigated the isolation of living alone and working from home, became sober-curious and cut out alcohol, and dealt with debilitating physical anxiety and stress. It was incredibly hard to navigate. On the outside, it looked like an amazing time in my life, but I felt alone and overwhelmed.
Becoming a homeowner was a huge accomplishment and dream of mine, but it felt like so much was changing around me and my world was crumbling all at once. I vividly remember looking around my beautifully decorated living room feeling like I was in jail. I cried on my couch almost every night that summer.
I’m a Scorpio, so I’m no stranger to dealing with seasons of intense transformation. But that one felt like a true dark night of the soul. Change is SO difficult for me. I’m a fixed sign, rigid girl. I like routine, safety and comfortability. I’m pretty risk averse and can stay in situations for far too long. But from what I’ve learned, this is a dangerous place to be in.
I truly believe you will get subtle signs and clues on when to pivot and make changes in your life. Signs and synchronicities will start to appear. You’ll get nudged over and over again, until you can’t ignore it anymore. That's where you DON’T want to get to - trust me. The universe doesn’t like having to remind you! Your life will get so uncomfortable that you’ll simply have no choice but to move or in some situations ROCKED to your core. Your life will sometimes even blow up negatively to push you to up-level.
That’s exactly what happened to me. I was on my spiritual journey, working with a life coach and learning about myself and my patterns. It became painfully clear that my life wasn’t working. I wasn’t living authentically. I lacked boundaries, self-love, and true confidence. My light was dimmed. I didn’t have vulnerable, intimate connections, which only added to my isolation. I wasn’t in an environment where I could truly thrive, so something had to change.
After that summer, I fought like hell to rebuild my life. I knew I had to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. I started living differently, out of a place of authenticity and joy. Hiding hadn’t gotten me the results I wanted, so I decided to show up as the real Leeza for the first time, without shame.
TikTok, surprisingly, became a tool for my healing. I’ve always loved dancing and performing, so learning the “cringe” TikTok dances and posting them became exposure therapy for me. It was a safe space to have fun without worrying about how I looked or seeking validation from others.
I also began to genuinely take care of myself. I prioritized internal healing, which reflected outwardly. I feel more confident and beautiful than ever. I explored hobbies that brought joy to my inner child, healed my codependency, and became a master at doing things alone. Alone no longer equaled lonely. Most importantly, I opened my heart to deep, meaningful friendships. These connections have been the greatest blessing. I can trust, be vulnerable, and feel supported in ways I never thought possible.
Looking back, I want to hug my 2021 self and tell her that change is good. She had nothing to be afraid of. Surrendering to the flow of life is so important because there’s always something good on the other side of change. Holding on too tightly only delays growth.
I’ll be honest and admit that I still struggle with this. 2025 is definitely giving 2020 energy. That scares me a little - not gunna lie. TikTok ban aside, I can feel it in my bones that more change is coming; not just in the world, but in my own life! I’m not sure if navigating change will ever be easy. But if I’ve learned anything over the years is that we will all be better for it on the other side.